Posted 6/4/20
Are you an observant person? I mean, do you actively see or passively see what is around you? Said differently, can you see emotions such as pain, joy, and the like before words are ever spoken? Some might call this emotional intelligence, although there may yet be more to it than even that.
Mom was (and I use this past tense term with a cannonball heavy heart) emotionally very intelligent for others. Maybe she lacked it in understanding and controlling her own emotion at times (she wore her heart on her sleeve), but she could sure see it in others. She was mislabeled, in my opinion, with the semi-pop-psychology term “codependent“, but she was different than that. She could see in my eyes when things were good and when they were not.
Another aspect of this superpower (my term) is what some might call meddling. Now, we live in a different age. We no longer physically sit like Gladys Kravitz on Bewitched and keep tabs on the neighbors. Heck…truth told, most don’t even know their neighbor. But not mom. She knew them all and knew their lives and honestly cared about them. Not is a gossiping way, mind you, but she knew enough to be a good friend to many of her neighbors, a character skill I wish I had. The bottom line of this skill? She was very observant.
Where did we lose that? Maybe social media has stolen it away or replaced it somehow? Maybe it is just easy now for everyone to see the fake version of people…the airbrushed one that hides pain like models hide pimples…such that few really know what is going on in the heads or lives of those around them? Does it matter? Is it a viable skill now given that we have these electronic means of seeing others? I say a resounding yes…and I wish I had a similar skill. I tend to be self-centered too often to see how things affect others, although not in an uncaring way, but in a pragmatic way. I hate pain and fight hard to avoid it for me and for others…and bristle from it when it is present. How about you, fellow Cornbread Table Sitter Atter?
Today, sadly, mom’s brain is completely broken. She still senses when we need a smile (sometimes)…more so 84 days ago (before the Shawshank quarantine) when she could somehow see the non-verbal cues that the iPad doesn’t show in our video chats. Today she isn’t observant of much of anything, perhaps distracted with a tired realization that heaven is closer than the neighbor’s house. This disease takes most everything… Add this one to the list.
#EndALZ
Update: Had a short little video session with mom today. I do my best to hide any sign that our meetings make me sad, and I always have. Fortunately it is easier by video this way. Her sweet roommate said hi in our chat. She always helps police mom and the visitors and people who walk down the hall. Quite a lady…and not unlike one of the Sweet 17, but with fewer memory problems.
I don’t think the disease has taken her true self away, it’s just inconveniently hidden it. I frequently remind people, “We’re STILL in here!”. On my “bad days” with dementia, I liken it to a cocoon. I’m still inside processing like normal. Everything is evolving. But the exterior is sealed up and people can’t see the butterfly inside, still functioning, waiting to get out. That’s the hard part. She still is observant. She knows her neighbors and how you feel. Give her a hug for me!
Thank you very much! That is completely how I have felt…until recently. The real her is hidden too far to ever find it again. I focus on mom 2.0 and love what remains with all of my heart.