(Self-Care Tips for Male Caregivers)
Posted 8-19-19
This article is pretty much for men. Ladies, feel free to read, gently chime in and/or give your take, but no piling on… I will be hard enough on us.
First of all, let me preface these comments with some foundation work: I am not a feminist-type of person. *Masculinity isn’t, in and of itself, toxic like some would have us believe. I know many “manly men” who are kind, loving and great to be friends with. We are created completely different than woman. We may tend to be physically stronger. We may tend to be less emotional, at least outwardly, and more pragmatic (the ends justify the means regardless of human cost). Women may tend to be more loving, more caring in general and much better at caring for others. These facts are why men and women supplement each other perfectly, according to a biblical model of a union. What he is strong at she is less strong and what he is less strong at she is stronger. Add the two up as one person and they are a balanced and hard to break union. Neither is a better person, “more than”, more godly, more important, or loved more by their Creator. The two are made one…perfectly and completely as a team. Men are not (despite how we act sometimes) big, dumb hormone factories that just need to be more like women, like much of culture screams at us these days.
Whew. Let the hate storm begin… (Shielding head…)
Is it safe to come out of hiding now?
OK…
Men, be careful to not to fall into a ditch. One one hand, it is ok to be a man. Don’t be ashamed to be masculine. Don’t be ashamed to hold the door for anyone, regardless of gender. Don’t be ashamed to be what you are created to be, and without being sinful about it. Don’t be afraid to “stand up for your woman” (even though you don’t “own” her…sigh).
In one ditch: Don’t get mad at culture and exert your manliness in a sinful way. Don’t fight like a caveman nor rant on the internet about libtards or feminazis or whatever else you want to call people who disagree with you who are also made in the Image of God like you are just because they do not understand this piece of historic Biblical Christianity 101. You are being sinful when you do/say these things and you need to repent. Simple… Do not lord differences over women in a sinful, “I am better than you” way, because you are not, even a little, better than her.
In another ditch: you bail out on manliness/chivalry completely and try to be only things that are not like you were created. You apologize for holding a door for someone lest you offend them. You hide what makes you a man. Don’t. Just don’t.
Instead, Love your wife like Christ loved the church. Like He loved His people. Sacrificially. Protectively. With strength under perfect control (not all willy nilly). Like a man. Easier said than done, I know. 🙁
ALL OF THE ABOVE TO SAY THIS:
Men, don’t be afraid to cry, to have emotions and to deal with your emotions. News flash: Real men do cry. Jesus wept. He was fully man, but was also fully our Sovereign God, able to do anything He wanted, yet He cried. Are we called to be more masculine than Jesus? More manly than the one who made a gnarly whip and drove money changers from the temple or than the one who will someday come back to judge mankind? Yet He cried. More than the three times listed in the Bible I am certain. It is OK to cry. It is OK to express how you feel. It is necessary to express how you feel. Storing up caregiving stress isn’t going to help you. Share it. Divide burdens.
Failing to allow emotion into your life, men, makes things harder on you. If you are caring for a loved one with dementia, you are struggling. You are. I am. You are too. Accept it. It sucks. It is very hard on us. It is hard on our family life, it is hard on our relationship with our spouse, and it is hard on our outside work life. It is hard. Bottling up emotion is a ticking, time bomb that will express itself somehow one way or another.
Sorry for being a little scattered in topic here, but my point should be clear soon. Here is a summary of what I have tried to establish so far:
- Men are different than women, with unique strengths and differences that combine to make one solid team.
- Men and women are perfectly and completely equal.
- Men, don’t be a caveman in your masculinity. That is sinful.
- Men, don’t cease to be a man.
- Men, love your wives like (in the same way) that Christ loves the Church (his people, not buildings and programs, but those who love him). Sacrifice for them. Defer to her. Prefer her. Love her.
- Don’t be afraid or unwilling to express emotion and/or cry when the time calls for it.

Men, me included: we need to find productive ways to take care of ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, and everything else-ally. So, how are we doing now as a gender, as male caregivers whether by choice or providence:
- We drink more or do more drugs to cope.
- We (I) eat to cope.
- We cheat on our spouse to cope. (This includes pornography, which estimates say nearly 2/3 or Christian men consume it…and know it is wrong)
- We bottle up emotions that are generated like a Coke and Mentos bottle until we have the following issues:
- We have more heart disease
- We have many strokes, often caused by high blood pressure
- We have more suicides
- Men use and become addicted to drugs at a far greater rate than women. (2-3x the rate)
- We have more cirrhosis deaths (often caused by consuming alcohol)
- While we have fewer diagnosed cases of mental health disease, we also have fewer people getting treated and more committing suicide.
- We are doing worse statistically in most measures in our Christian walk. This is huge.

So, what can men do to productively process caregiving stress/anxiety/emotions and better take care of themselves? Here are some ideas:
- Pray without ceasing. Read and meditate on the Bible. Read Psalms. Read Proverbs. Read Job. Read the Gospels. Read from Charles H. Spurgeon and other men of old. Generally, in my humble opinion, the majority of old pastors’ books that predate 1900 are safe. Generally. There are exceptions.
- Be accountable to other men with the same struggles. Find a male mentor, likely older or certainly more spiritually mature than you and be willing to share struggles with him.
- Install porn filters on your technology. Guard your heart and your marriage.
- Find a support group (in-person or online) with the Alzheimer’s Association. Share there early and often.
- Get respite help. Call the Alzheimer’s Association or your area agency on aging to see what is available. Contact your church, your civic organization and your extended family and find ways to get away for a healthy break.
- Keep a food and emotion journal that shows what mood you were in when you ate to see if there are patterns that you can work on.
- Express yourself in a blog. Blogs are getting easier and easier to make. While I am an I.T. professional, it doesn’t take one to do a blog. There are lots of WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get) pages that, in a couple minutes, you can have a website up and running. Google pages, Weebly, Wix, and others are very easy. Email or text me and I will help you for free when I have time.
- Get help from a therapist and/or a psychiatrist. There is nothing inherently un-manly nor unChristian about being depressed. Charles H. Spurgeon, my hero and one of the greatest Christians in the last 1,000 years, struggled with depression. Robin Williams, arguably one of the funniest comedians in my lifetime was extremely depressed. Professional in mental health cannot provide a magic pill to end your situation, but they have tools that can help.
- Find time for exercise, even if it is walking in your back yard or riding a stationary bike while you help. This will help you physically and in other ways.
- Set realistic goals, making a daily checklist and check the things off as you complete them.
- Recognize and deal with caregiver burnout. Here are some tips.
- Research and study caregiver stress. Some organizations offer programs to help you. Here are some more links to other ideas to help you cope: Link Link Link Link Attack caregiver stress with the same zeal you would use to fight a shark. Know that both can kill you, but stress is much more likely to!
- Know that you are alone as a man caring for a loved one with dementia. According to the Banner Alzheimer’s Institute, “About 45% of husbands provide care for wives with dementia while another 30% of sons are also involved in caregiving efforts”. Here is another interesting link about this.
- Don’t be afraid to cry when it gets too much. It will. You can. Guys, we have it pretty hard. Don’t let culture or idioms like “Big Boys Don’t Cry” make it even worse.
Note to men with caregiving wives: If your wife is the primary caregiver, which statistically is still more common, support her in everything she does, knowing it is very hard for her too! Know that her emotions are being very hard on her too and cut her slack. Pick up the slack where you can and however you can. In short, love her like Christ loved the church. Sacrifice for her and serve her for all you are worth. She is worth it.
#EndALZ

Update: Mom did ok over the weekend. They are still working on her sores and treating her tiredness and less alert state as best they can. I will see her tonight and get a better update since I couldn’t go this weekend.


*Last little note: I did a quick edit as I posted. “Toxic masculinity” is such a moving target as a concept! I deleted the phrase and the link to the wiki page to avoid misunderstanding. I do stand by the concept that it is ok to be masculine. 🙂 Masculinity, however, that lends itself to harming women or others ceases to be masculine and should just be labelled what it is: sinful.











Thank you for telling me it is okay to seek help from a professional and to cry. If more men did this, they would be a much better person for themselves. As a woman, I take no offense to your comments, in fact, they are much needed. Please continue doing what you do as you are good at it and the topics need to be heard. Bless you for the care of your mom as those of us who are in the early stages of this disease hope we have the same loving care when we get to her stage. Thank you.
Thank you very much! I appreciate it more than you know. 🙂