Posted 11-8-19 (Note: I like dates that are covert math problems… 11+8=19. I know…I am a tad odd…)
In the multi-faceted mess of dementia, it is easy to completely miss anything good in the situation and just sit by and be sad. I get it, I really do. I tend that direction all of the time! What are our choices?? I would like to combine some things I have said here and there to encourage you to make some lemonade out of the sour dementia lemons although, I grant you, this may be more akin to making persimmonade out of unripe persimmons.
First, why bother?:
- We are in this situation whether we have a positive attitude or a negative one.
- Our loved one is in this situation and that will not change until they pass away (or a cure is found). Our time is short. We have to do our best in our time…
- If we are positive and seek out the good in the bad, it will get easier.
- Our health matters. Keeping our collective heads up encourages our loved ones, the staff, and others.
- Because there are still many great things about our loved ones.
- It brings our King joy.
Behold, some “good” facets of dementia.
F is for freedom. As memories vanish like sand through the hourglass, remember this: Not all memories that are lost are good ones or even neutral ones. Mom bitterly missed her parents until a couple years ago. She lost a favorite uncle. She lost her best friend. Lots of loss…all gone for good. Mom is also free from the many anxieties of day-to-day living. She doesn’t think about bills, about who the president is, about her stuff and about the cares of life. I know that earlier stages she did consider these things, but just remember that, as things decline memory-wise, the good baby AND the dirty water are all tossed out of the bathwater equally.
A is for Anecdote. Oh the stories I have already seen in the last few years, but especially since mom has been in the memory unit. Sure, I might make a fortune writing these stories into a book and selling it everywhere. However, I feel like that is missing the point. I…we gather these stories so that we can help others have an easier time through this mess until we finally get a cure. It is funny that as many amazing stories I see and hear around mom and the Sweet 17, there are a myriad of the same experiences in Missouri, in Maine, in Malta, in Mozambique. We gather stories and circumstances for posterity…sure…but we more usefully gather them so we can prepare our brothers and sisters for what is ahead. Example: “Mom used to walk up and down the hall with a pillow case full of shoes and books!”-Me. “Oh. I know…my dad used to carry his camera equipment and take pictures (no film in the camera) all day too!”-a new friend. <Kindred spirit bonding happens and both know that they are not alone…> Stories, anecdotes cement bonds better than Gorilla Glue!
C is for character. Working through adversity builds character more than anything we do in life. Having to fight through hard times, leaning in on our Lord, making hard choices and doing so with no safety net is the hot steam iron on the wrinkles of who we are. We learn, we grow, we are humbled and we discover that our weakness is actually a strength in a way through these times that good times do not afford us or our loved ones. Despite what the TV preachers of late night may say, we are not promised health, wealth and good times 24/7. We are promised that we will have challenges and hard times, and that He will be there for us every step of the way.
E is for Eternity. I have long thought of the problem of theodicy. Theodicy is the study of why bad things happen to good people (or, said another way, it is “the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil.“). My explanation of this is much more than I can write here although I am happy to share off-site by text or email. Suffice it to say that the world is a mess caused by Adam’s sin many thousand years ago. Things that used to be good are bad…and getting worse. Animals that used to live together in harmony now fight each other to the death. BUT, some sweet day what was broken will be fixed. Until then we look forward to heaven and the absence of sadness, dementia, death, sin, and the devil. There is no better way to see what lies ahead than when we compare it to where we are now, and, if things are always rainbows and unicorns, we may miss out and not anticipate the glory to come. Much like when a jeweler holds a gem against a black velvet cloth, we hold up terrible times against the wonder that is to come and we yearn for the future.
T is for Time. I have had a bunch of friends and family who have died suddenly, as we all have. Sure our time isn’t always great with our loved one, but we have them for some more time. What I wouldn’t give for some more time to just look at my grandparents and tell them I love them. Whether or not they can 100% understand what we say, I can tell by the look in mom’s eyes she gets it….even now in end-stage dementia. We don’t know what they know, so we hope above hope that we can get it through to them…and that is only possible in the time they are here.
Note: I know some of you seldom have good days. I feel guilty every single time I post how good it has been the last couple months with mom, knowing some of you are 36/7/365 caregivers to much harder scenarios than I have. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t dancing around in joy in this mess…you shouldn’t be. It is super hard. Do your best to think positively and to make time for self-care. Keep your head up. Lean on your care team/family/faith. Please call, text, or email me if I can help encourage you. (417-955-2513 and mark.applegate@senioragemo.org). You matter and your loved one matters and I am thankful every day for each of you. 🙂
Update: Speaking of the above, yesterday was another good day for mom. She is tired and weak, but she is still happy and has a joyous peace about her that surpasses understanding.
#EndALZ