Posted 5-20-19
“You know what’s wrong with ‘Merica???”. (The 1600+ subscribers to the cornbread table all roll eyes their in unison and surf Oprah instead….) Answer: Fear! Fear!! Fear!!!
As the enigmatic president Roosevelt said in his 1932 speech:
“So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory.”
Fear in caregiving comes primarily in two very similar places: fear of doing the wrong thing and fear of not doing the right thing. Let’s analyze each in the context of my mom’s circumstances:
Fear of doing the wrong thing:
Oh, the fear of doing the wrong thing! This is the imaginary, pre-drunk cousin that shows up at your birthday party, interjecting statements that lead to self-doubt and negative self-talk. How did it play out? Many ways:
- Should we lock the doors in the house to prevent mom from walking away to look for us? The cabinets? Hide sharp items? Hide matches?
- Should we hide the car keys if it may cause her to emotional decline?
- Should we help mom off the floor when she falls or should we have a professional help her after looking her over?
- Should we move mom into a memory unit?
- Should we move mom to another facility?
- Should we pull her med list and see how it has evolved without us knowing?
- Should we call other family members with every decision?
- Should I write about this or that?
- Guilt…
- Many others….
Very, very similar, and sometimes the flip side of the same dilemma, fear of Not doing the Right thing looks like:
- Should I come back and retry feeding her even after she said she was full…knowing completely that she is NOT full and is just confused?
- Should I call the phone list after a minor fall in the middle of the night? (Employees)
- Should I tell the truth of how the person fell or should I just say “Nobody witnessed it?” (Employees)
- Should I investigate removing pills that she likely doesn’t need any more?
- Should I visit more?
- Should I skip writing about hard topics?
- Is she safe at home now that she is wheelchair bound? Would it be better there now anyway?
- Should we turn in poor examples of nursing to the home administrator/director of nursing? What if a mistake is made just because of inexperience?
- Guilt…
- Others….
Here are a few tips of how to make decisions:
- Easier said than done, but stop being afraid! Gather as reliable of information you can gather, study the facts, evaluate your heart, and make the decision with a clean conscience. Not making a decision is still making a decision…it is usually just a bad one.
- Get counsel from experts
- Follow up and don’t be rigid…allow for a change of mind after new facts come in.
- Pray for wisdom.
- Never stop learning. The more you know, the better your decisions will be. The internet is full of good and bad. Alz.org and senioragemo.org are both reputable sources. Generally, sources with a .gov, .org and .edu are safer than your typical .com for research. Don’t forget YouTube.
- Remember, you are your loved one’s best judge of needs and biggest advocate.
- Lean on the side of safety and protection for your loved one and yourself.
- Don’t beat yourself up when a decision turns out bad. Learn from it and move on. The more you know from experience, the better your decisions will get.
- Share what you know and your mistakes with others. It will make you feel better (somehow…) and it will help them.
- Listen all around you and to your heart/gut feeling, knowing that these can help but can also be wrong.
I wish I could promise this little journey you are on would go smoothly. I promise the opposite. But fight fear in decision-making and do your very best. Don’t let “nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror” (that may not even exist) keep you from doing the right thing for your loved ones.
Keep up the good fight!
#EndALZ