Posted 1/4/19
The longer I live, the more realize that hearing and understanding are complex topics that are governed by many more variables than the quality of the ear and/or the mouth. Arguing a point, sharing an intimate feeling, defending a loved one…all of these actions involve words, but often the other things at play are crucial. Were you frowning? What was the tone of your voice? Did you talk over the person even if you were clearly right? Sometimes it isn’t the words that count, but the heart. Come to think of it, usually, not sometimes, may be more accurate. Those who know me know these lessons are pretty new to me. lol I have often been a big mouth when I should have been a big ear. (Sooo sorry to all effected by my lack of gum flap control…you know who you are 😉 )
This brings me back to Alzheimer’s patients, most notably my mom and the Sweet 17. There is a visitor to the memory ward still has trouble processing that his loved one has tremendous struggles. I get it! 🙁 It is hard. It sucks. This visitor has told me numerous times, right in front of the loved one, that she doesn’t understand (anything he is saying)…or…he talks about her behavior within her earshot as if she is a fleshy floor lamp. Sometimes he misses small things she does in favor or talking, grieving or being busy.
Let me recap something I have said in the past. The old person, in many ways, is gone. The new version of our loved one may be different (more or less likable from a utilitarian sense…they can’t make supper nor share an old memory), but they are still our loved one. It is OK to grieve the loss of version 1.0….but we should shoot to not do so in front of them if possible. I know it stinks because the loved one may be your spouse…the only one who truly gets you. Spend your time loving and caring for version 2.0 on her own merits while all the time remembering and loving all of the good times in version 1.0. When they rip out a line of brain bandit babble/word salad line or two that doesn’t make sense or drop an unexpected F-Bomb that they never would have said sans Alzheimer’s, for the love of all that is Holy, smile and love them. Affirm them. Show you “understand”. If you look frustrated, they know it. If you correct then, it serves no real purpose other than perhaps to make them sad. Don’t assume that just because the loved one doesn’t (completely) understand something that they didn’t hear it and process it. Again, think toddler for a minute: When your hand slips off the wrench and touches the engine block, don’t scream curse words at/near than. They hear. Do they understand that word? Probably in their own context waaaay more than we want to know. That is why the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree sometimes.
We all have work to do. We all can improve. I have such a long way to go in my growth. But some things we need to figure out pretty quickly while our loved one is still here. If you need to vent, go outside. Shout to God into your pillow. He has thick skin and can handle your emotion. Advocate. Give. Volunteer. Learn. Grow.
Thanks for allowing me some soapbox time.
#EndALZ