Posted 2/11/22 (Note: 2×11=22)
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many. –2 Corinthains 1:8-11
Another week is nearly in the can. Typical hyper-busy week. It has been good for the most part and I hope and pray you have had the same experience. Tuesday next is the Alzheimer’s Caregiver’s Support Group via Zoom. We HOPE to also have an in-person meeting in March, but it will depend on the current Covid strain o’ the month. We will monitor it every month and will let you know should you be local enough to swing by Springfield to our SeniorAge office.
Today I want to briefly discuss the expectations of our loved ones with dementia. This song came to mind last night at 2am (and this fact opened another window into my weirdness) :
(LINK)
Here are the first section of lyrics. I will offer you the rest shortly:
“I grew up a-dreamin’ of bein’ a cowboy
And lovin’ the cowboy ways
Pursuin’ the life of my high-ridin’ heroes
I burned up my childhood days
I learned all the rules of a modern-day drifter
Don’t you hold on to nothin’ too long” (LINK)
Whether you are listening to Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, or one of the million others who have covered this old classic, these words, and the tune, is easy on the soul.
Then I got to thinkin’…how does the rest of the song go? I mean, I remembered the first part, but I never really worked through the whole song.
Here are the next verses:
Just take what you need from the ladies, then leave them,
With the words of a sad country song.
My heroes have always been cowboys.
And they still are, it seems.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.
Cowboys are special with their own brand of misery,
From being alone too long.
You could die from the cold in the arms of a nightman,
Knowin’ well that your best days are gone.
Pickin’ up hookers instead of my pen,
I let the words of my years fade away.
Old worn-out saddles, and ‘old worn-out memories,
With no one and no place to stay.
My heroes have always been cowboys.
And they still are, it seems.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.
Sadly, in search of, but one step in back of,
Themselves and their slow-movin’ dreams.
Eek. Double Eek.
What is my point in bringing up this country song and its lyrics on a dementia blog? I just want you to remember to temper your expectations with your loved one, be quick to blame the disease and slow to do otherwise. Please take this advice: EAT THE MEAT AND SPIT OUT THE BONES when the bad behavior happens.
Have you noticed how easy it is to idealize and idolize the people, the songs, the events, and the history itself of the good ole days? Is our current view of these things correct with modern glasses? Examples: Was John F. Kennedy the visionary leader… or was he the serial adulterer? Was Ronald Reagan the leader that defeated the USSR… or was he the one who used racial slurs and was ineffective at best in considering AIDS an important issue? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I am uncomfortable making an excuse for these and other idols’ bad behavior, whatever the excuse. There is never a good excuse to say or do sinful, evil things. However, where do we draw the line? Does one bad thing said or done disqualify a celebrity from being looked up to? How about 5? 25? 1000? I guess that depends on many things and we can debate that until we are blue and never get far. Can we offer grace? I mean, we were sure offered grace ourselves despite not deserving it. Dementia is an “easy reason” to forgive. At least it should be.
My point?
I have people bring up to me often that one of two things happened in dementia:
- Their Christ-honoring loved one now swears like a drunken movie star and/or does extremely inappropriate things in public, completely counter to their life’s history book.
- Their hateful, mean, vindictive loved one turned into a sweet, gentle soul once the dementia took over the wheel.
Are these examples “the real person” or are they a product of the disease? Does something said or done change their life’s story? I suggest to you to try to do the seemingly impossible if the person has dementia: Remember the good and forget the bad. Forgive. Redirect when the bad behavior happens. Embrace the good behavior with your whole heart as a grace from God. If they don’t have dementia? Do your best to forgive anyway.
I remember growing up the first time I ever had an intrusive thought about my parents. I remember wondering if my dad was tougher than some such person. Could he beat up so and so? Then I worked through the vulnerability of my parents…. and it made me sad. Very sad. Knowing that they were not only not all-powerful, but they were fallible…quite so…was very hard to take. They failed. I fail.
Have you experienced such in dementia (or not in dementia)? Can we forgive one bad thing? Better yet, can we forget it? My mom has said and attempted to do all sorts of things since her dementia that she would have never done 15 years ago. I forgave it even before it was done happening, but it is harder to forget.
Do cowboys deserve to be heroes? In many cases they are wonderful, I suppose. I don’t really know any cowboys in 2022, depending on the definition… but they are what they are. The song sings of those good times and warms the heart. But they also fail…and the song reminds us of that too. Friends, remember the good words and let the rest go as best you can with your loved one with dementia. It is truly the disease talkin’. And if they don’t have dementia, do your best as well. Life is too short to not forgive.
Should we hold heroes to a high standard? Absolutely. However, know this: If you are reading this on a day of the week that ends with a Y, they will fail you. All of them. Including yours truly. Especially yours truly. Only Christ won’t fail you…and some sweet day believers will be with Him and be like Him in that we won’t fail either. Until then, grace.
Have a great weekend, friends. Happy Trails to you, until we meet again! 🙂
#EndALZ
Update: I haven’t visited in 2 days because I have been exposed to nCovid-19 and want another couple of days to be sure I am not going to deliver death to someone with my passenger. I hope to see mom again Monday or Tuesday.
