Posted 6-5-19
Sorry for a topic rerun here, but, perhaps selfishly, part of why I write is for me. I am writing this to me…and you are welcome to jump on the bandwagon. 😉
Guilt is like the stealth 20-pound mosquito of the caregiver’s world. Life circumstances have prevented me from swinging by to see mom since Saturday. That is likely the longest duration away since she has been placed in the memory unit with the Sweet 17. Fortunately I will see her today after work to end this streak. Things are going fine. Great really…Either my sister or my stepdad is there at least once a day anyway, but guilt lingers. Like a humongous skeeter, I hear it and can see it out of the corner of my eye (especially a fat one like this) all the time. Tangentially I also feel guilty sacrificing family time that the frequent visits cut into. Then there is support group that I miss. I could write here every day…why not that too. And work…I could do more. This family time is my primary ministry as a father and I am not always great at it, but I am working on it. Yet guilt lurks, waiting for its nibble then drain too.
So how do we fight caregiver and family guilt? Here are some tips for me…and for you:
- Be introspective and think through your guilt. Denying that it is there is no more effective than hiding under the covers when a crookbreaks in in hopes that you or he will disappear.
- Give yourself grace and don’t be hard on yourself. There are seasons where you do better than others whether in caregiving or parenting. If Christ can forgive, should you be a more strict judge than He?
- Are your expectations too high? You cannot be two places at once. You cannot “have it all”. You shouldn’t try.
- Add to your support system and delegate where you can. While nobody can care like you can care, a close second isn’t bad either. Give yourself credit for delegating some tasks. Some friends and family members are likely waiting and just don’t know how to plug in. It is awkward to just jump in and “do”. Help them know which easy tasks (at first) they can take over. As they get used to the extreme challenge this disease is, either they will step up their game or they will tell you you are asking too much. Every little bit helps.
- Self care is critically important. If you work yourself to death, nobody left here will benefit. The point of diminishing returns means you will be more productive in less time than more if you are efficient. Pray and meditate on the Bible, most notably on the Psalms.
- Reminisce when you get down that what you are doing doesn’t matter. Look at old pictures, revisit home movies, etc… It may seem like the old person is gone and may make you angry/less compassionate/apathetic for a season…then feel guilty for even thinking that way.
- Learn to say NO. There are super important things and kind of important things. Let yourself say no to the kind of important things sometimes. Grace, remember?
- Get organized. Build a somewhat inflexible, but detailed schedule. This is good for your loved one and it will help you frame your day. Then look at all you do and know that you are doing well. Prioritize as you go and delete where you can.
- What’s past has passed… You can’t fix the past, but you can keep it from harming your present and your future…focus on that.
- Repent of sin that creeps in. Sadness isn’t sinful. Hating your loved one, or anyone else, is. Pride in how great of a servant you are compared to others (other family members and friends?) can also be super sinful. Simply agree with God, be forgiven, stop it… and move on. Occasionally preach the Gospel to yourself as a reminder of what you have been forgiven of by such a loving and grace-giving God. You are no longer guilty.
- For Pete’s sake, get some time off. I realize this is a second mention, but it matters. Call your local Area Agency on Aging, the Alzheimer’s Association, a member of your support system, etc…and take a little while off to reset your brain. Guilt is sometimes just a reaction to being worn out.
Here is a non-alcoholic 12-pack of links to consider:
Link 1 Link 2 Link 3 Link 4 Link 5 Link 6 Link 7 Link 8 Link 9 Link 10 Link 11 Link 12
Time to smack that guilt bug, reader. I will try for me. Will you try for you?
#EndALZ