Posted after vacation on 7/16/21
The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the Lord shut him in. Genesis 7:16
Just flew back to my desk and boy are my arms tired! OK…I drove, but that seems like the standard dad joke fitting for the first day back at the desk at work. 🙂
It was a very nice break and one badly needed to be sure. We celebrated my great nephew’s (and my) birthday at my nephew’s with a homemade waterslide, then my bride and I hid in our little Camp David-like location in Notch, Mo., a suburb of Branson. We went to Silver Dollar City twice…once just the two of us and once with the kiddoes. 🙂 GREAT time as always.
I love vacations. I am not as driven by money as I should be because I love to travel with my bride and my kids…love it! This was yet another wonderful, life-giving break from reality. However, almost immediately it started…
As someone who has struggled with undiagnosed depression (and probably a cornucopia of other diagnoses) for decades, I can always see it coming these days. Two rationales for my guilt: Mom and the kids (we left them at home for the first 4 days). Neither are to blame, mind you. I wouldn’t want either to feel bad that I struggle to have fun by myself and/or with my bride without them nearby/without thinking a lot about them too much…but it is a real thing. So here is how it plays out. Something fun and amazing happens and I enjoy said thing…then feel bad that the kids aren’t there. Or, something fun happens and it automatically reminds me on mom in some rational and/or irrational way and I feel bad for being happy. Mom would be mortified and would probably kick my butt if she knew this was vexing me. That is why I will call this guilt “tliug” going forward…kind of a backwards-thinking guilt. Mom loves nature… and when I experience something amazing in nature (i.e. Marvel Cave, the plant I took a pic of), my response SHOULD be enjoyment and reflection of all of life’s joys and blessings…and perhaps a hat-tip to mom for teaching me to enjoy them. However, instead, it is the tliug that I enter the realm of. And I just don’t know how to shake it.
This part of today’s piece is where I explain, in a pithy, digital cornbread style of doing so, X# of easy steps to fix it or some number of things you can learn…but I got nothin’.
I would your take. I really would. I would, however, like something beyond what I have tried. (Note: I am an IT expert. I have tried the basics…you know, turn it off and back on again, cleared my cache, hit it with a roofing hammer). I struggle with the easy fix: Just let it go. Just let go and Let God. Pray about it. Self-medicate. Take care. These are all viable thoughts, but are all easier to say than to do….or incomplete… or unwise in the case of self-medicating. So I bury myself in work and life and continue. You would think a newly-chronologically-ticked 50 year old would have this worked out by now. So, what day you, friends?
Update: Mom had a great day Thursday…a day I had to miss because of my vacation. She smiled, laughed, and, according to my step-dad, was the best she has been since the pandemic. She wasn’t verbal, but she smiled and seemed engaged a little…and I missed it. All of it. Tliug. I look forward to my next visit on Tuesday.
Runnin’ Til I’m Purple II Update- I am training right now to prepare for a couple of events in August and September, one of which involves stair-climbing in honor of 911. Details coming soon.
Thank you all for your encouragement and friendship. 🙂 You are the best part of Digital Cornbread and you always have been. 🙂