Posted 5-21-19
If you are one of the people 12 people in America that have NOT read Gary Chapman’s 1995 book (or subsequent variations) “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate”, this piece may make a little less sense than it normally makes…and that says something. Allow me, as a bit of an unpaid reviewer and recommender to say that it is a very enlightening book that you should own and consume and re-read often. They have a very useful website as well for exploring you and your loved ones’ love languages. I also believe that it will help you become a better caregiver and will somewhat help you deal with having an empty love tank when helping with your loved one.
The book can be summarized pretty simply by saying all relationships (whether couples, father/son, mother/daughter, friends, etc…) are unique and the personalities of all parties involved are also strewn with idiosyncrasies and differences. One key aspect of this diverse thing called love is the multi-colored splendor of HOW we express and receive love. See, it is not simple enough to fully express love to someone else in the way you like to receive love. They key is to send love in the way that the recipient most wants/needs to receive love. Generally, Chapman explains these expressions as five different love “languages”, and similar to spoken languages, to get your point across in the best way possible, you must take a shot at “talking” in the way they understand. If I asked you “Wo ist die toilette?”, your English-speaking mind might see toilette and figure it out, or you could think I am talking about a French perfume. We gotta speak the right language to be heard if we care to be heard.
Love can be expressed and received primarily through Chapman’s languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
I strongly recommend you take the quiz on the Love Languages website to see how you accept and receive love as well. I should point out that this topic pertains to romantic love OR familial/friendship love, so don’t let the physical touch language stop you from proceeding.
Now, typing as I surf, I thought…hmmm…this is a good topic. I wonder if others have made this correlation? A quick Google search finds scads of people with the same idea! I will chalk this up to it being a good idea instead of it being something I or they copied somehow. I have observed several things I have posted that others do too. Some pre-date my posts and some post-date them. There is nothing new under the sun. This challenging topic has been hit 25 times from every possible angle because it is so devastating and leads to such a hopeless feeling. 🙁
Regardless, here is a summary of my take:
- Don’t expect your loved one with dementia to express love to you the same way they did before this stupid disease came by for a visit and stayed forever. Cling to your memories, but don’t expect them to be relived.
- Don’t expect your loved one to accept love the same as he/she used to either. You will learn quickly that everything is variable/flexible in the Alzheimer’s journey. A loved one who used to love words of affirmation may have trouble hearing and understanding them now. It is certainly worth a try…but with these caveats in mind.
- Recalculate/Reset your own expectations. I know it is extremely hard, especially if your loved one is THE ONE you would vent to, come to with good or bad news first, and is, perhaps, the most important person in your life. All you can control is your own effort.
- If your loved one loved words of affirmation: Keep giving them. There is no way to know how much is understood. Assume the best. Be patient. Don’t quiz them. Love them with your words.
- If your loved one loved quality time: Give them quality time…more than ever. “But Mark, all they do is sleep!” Suck it up, camper!! Schedule trips to the unit or time at home when they are most awake and hang out with them. Look at pictures and tell your loved one about the pictures. Sing/play an instrument for them. Play a generationally-appropriate mix-tape. Interestingly, perhaps to only me, this category could also be mixed in with the words of affirmation. Songs, especially deeply familiar ones, speak into the heart of a loved one better than words oftentimes….
- If your loved one loved receiving gifts: Notice a trend here? Bring them things. Fidget blankets and cuffs are wildly popular in later stages. Note: be careful bringing anything sentimental to a memory unit. Property is communal in the unit. Everything from shoes, pictures and teeth end up in other’s rooms. The nurses can try, but things sprout legs and walk… Mark things with a Sharpie pen as best you can for those things you need to keep, but no promises.
- If your loved one loved acts of service: Serve them…and let them serve. Mrs. J, my Sweet 17er who tries to do dishes before the poor ladies are done eating, is much happier now that the nurses let her fold and refold and refold bibs. Find ways to serve them that are above and beyond caring for them. Whether it is obvious or not, they will appreciate it.
- If your loved one loved physical touch: Hold their hand. Comb their hair. Love them with touch. You will learn to understand their cues.
- Remember, things change. Just because he or she wasn’t a “hugger” before the disease doesn’t automatically mean he/she won’t be with the disease.
- They really seem to keenly read non-verbal cues, even as things progress to the end. Speaking tone/cadence and these non-verbal cues may be more important than the words themselves, so speak slower than normal, speak with a smile and assume the best.
Here are some of the many resources I found after I started looking into this topic:
Keep studying this topic. There is so much to know! Love is soooo important in the lives of these patients. This fact is also what makes the plight of those with no visitors so sad. Find time to serve and love them too. We all know where they are if we look hard enough.
What a disease! 🙁
#EndALZ
Update: Another decent day. Storms and recent full moon aside, all is decent. The doctor told us that he is going to approve hospice. 🙂 This is convenient since he recommended and said it was approved a week ago and we have been under their services for a week now. Miscommunication is rampant in healthcare, often because of HIPAA and fear of getting fined. Therefore nobody shares information and the quality of care (and, therefore, the patient) is the one punished. Sigh…