Posted 6-11-20
It is already Thursday? You have to be kidding me??? Ok, well, off we go with that in mind. I just have 2 more pieces until the weekend to use to tilt against a real windmill. Today I will break out my jousting pen and fight something that scares the dickens out of me in the context of our real fear… Hop on as I march forward, as your chubby Rocinante, for some literary flails. 😉
According to the NHS, the UK’s largest health website, Phobias are “an overwhelming and debilitating fear of an object, place, situation, feeling or animal. Phobias are more pronounced than fears. They develop when a person has an exaggerated or unrealistic sense of danger about a situation or object. If a phobia becomes very severe, a person may organise their life around avoiding the thing that’s causing them anxiety. As well as restricting their day-to-day life, it can also cause a lot of distress.”
I have a couple of things in my life that may nearly rise up to the level of phobia, should I ask a professional to assess them. However, even if I do not have true phobias, I have extreme sympathy for those who do.
Some days I am deathly afraid of the following, in no particular order:
- Dolphins.
- Similarly, big fish.
- Dying alone.
- Being made a fool in public.
- Bees, wasps, murder freaking hornets, and the like.
- Dementia.
Let me go through these in order and share my real or possibly somewhat counterfeit rationale for fearing them…but before I do realize this: fear, whether or not their is a “real reason” scientifically, is completely real, and sometimes debilitating to the one feeling it. Reality isn’t something that can be voted on rationally. Adrian Monk, one of my favorite TV characters in history, explained one phobia (dog poo) best like this:
[Monk can’t concentrate due to a fresh dog mess]
Natalie Teeger: Mr. Monk, are you okay? Everybody’s waiting.
Adrian Monk: It’s over there.
Natalie Teeger: What?
Adrian Monk: Dog… you know. Dog… doo.
Natalie Teeger: Did you step in it?
Adrian Monk: [looks at Natalie like she’s crazy] If I stepped in it, I’d be in that ambulance right now, on my way to the emergency room, wouldn’t I?! Praying for the sweet release that only death can bring! “
- Dolphins are huge. They are ultra-smart compared to the rest of the animal kingdom (and compared to most folks trashing each other blindly on social media). They have a lot of teeth. Couldn’t they secretly be eating folks on the beach and blaming the sharks nearby? This one may be irrational to some…but you just don’t see the light… (OK…this one may be a little counterfeit…maybe.)
- I am not sure the origin of my fear of big fish. I caught a 3 foot long alligator gar one day…that either helped or furthered the problem…I do really like fishing, but anything beyond about 20 pounds is scary. Have you seen a ocean sunfish??? No thanks. I make little or no effort to avoid big fish other than being a crappy fisherman.
- Dying alone wasn’t really on my fear radar before the last few years. Watching dozens of seniors in memory units and in nursing homes living alone with no visits aside from over-stretched nurses, made me better understand the horror of social isolation. Just remember, being isolated doesn’t necessarily only mean being separate from people. We need and crave personal human interaction. Folks with dementia, in its early stage, tend to push away interaction, to their own detriment, out of fear of forgetting and/or looking foolish. They are truly afraid and the fear makes things even worse. I would say this one is a valid fear that most have…probably not a phobia.
- Being made a fool in public may just be pride, I don’t know… I mean, nobody LIKES looking like a fool, do they? I have had a few times that really looked foolish, and they have moved me from a normal fear to a phobia-ish fear of stupidity…although I also tend to do things that make me feel stupid in public, which is interesting in and of itself. I have mentioned my recurring nightmare in previous articles. It is mostly scary because of this fear. I suppose this one may not be as “legit”as others…although it feels that way to me. I would say this one is a common experience and is rational…probably not a true phobia.
- Bees, wasps, murder freaking hornets, and the like. Oh, don’t get me started on this subject… (You have been warned….) I have been stung dozens of times in my life. I get stung when others around me do not. I was dating my wife one day in the 1980s and while picking her up for said date I walked through her carport, met her at the door, and, upon walking back out toward my 1978 Chevy Caprice Classic Landau, suddenly I could feel stings in my shirt. I did the logical thing in front of my girl…I ran, screaming like a 6-year-old girl whose brother was chasing her with a murder hornet, and ended up falling on the ground, rolling around like I was on fire (Stop, Drop, and Roll FINALLY came in handy for something…). My girlfriend laughed because the 12,000 bees in my shirt ignored her. I think it was at that moment she realized that I was “the one” because she knew that if a couple 1/2 ounce bees could make me do that she was in little or no danger of being talked back to. This one isn’t completely rational…but experience at least gives it some fuel.
- Dementia. Well, I don’t know… The fact that my mom, uncle, and grandma had it shouldn’t give me pause, huh? That one is pretty rational. But, it is not debilitating…
These fears (and phobias) are of varying levels legit, if you will, but they are legit to me.
My daughter is very interested in bugs. She studies them, draws them, and is just amazed with learning the minutia of what they are about. (She also digs snails, fish, plants, bunnies, and other creatures. I honestly think that is an “art thing” or a “really big brain thing”…but I digress.) She has taught me recently NOT to fear mud daubers, and maybe her reasoning should be considered elsewhere too? Here is a good piece on these little things…things that look a lot like a stinkin’ murder hornet to me:
So…what can I do with this info and how does it relate to dementia?
Turns out these mud daubers are pretty cool. According to the Missouri Department of Conservation, “Mud dauber nests are usually considered unsightly nuisances on human buildings. However, before you eradicate your mud dauber nests, remember that these relatively harmless insects comb the environment for spiders, including black widows.”
But wait, blog boy…they sure look a lot like a stinging wasp….you know….the ones from my shirt that humiliated me in front of my girl, by my favorite car, some 32 years ago. I need to be scared of them!
First, wouldn’t it be better to know what it was before flailing around and running like my hair was on fire? I mean, if it just turned out to be a mud dauber, maybe it would kill a few spiders that others in the house fear?? Why kill them until I identify the issue? Knowledge helps fight fear sometimes…
Exactly. When you have some of the classic warning signs of dementia, what should you do? Here are options to consider:
- You could just ignore it. Denial is safe, right?
- You could hide to avoid embarrassment and just give up and watch and wait to see what happens. What does this accomplish other than making you a nervous wreck?
- You could assume you do have dementia and try to fight it by exercising, chasing news articles, doing brain games, trying every fad (CBD oil, other supplements) you can find. These aren’t necessarily bad thoughts… I mean, losing weight and getting in shape is critical to robust aging and disease prevention.
- OR, you could go to the doctor and figure out what is going on. You could identify whether you are looking at a kind of scary mud dauber that is easy to deal with or a big, stinkin’ hairy dolphin-nosed murder hornet.
I have said it before and I will say it again: lots and lots of things mimic dementia…they look like a stinger but they aren’t really that bad. Here is just one piece I completed on the topic, but there are many. UTIs, stress, blood pressure issues, and a host of things, with varying levels of sting, if you will, look like the disease…and most are completely treatable. So, before fear rules the day and we let ourselves needlessly suffer, let’s agree to at least talk to our doc? Fair enough? I know…it’s a jungle out there... BUT, life is too short to live in fear of things that cannot really hurt us if we can avoid it. We have to learn all we can, gather professional opinions, and filter out the kinda scary from the really scary. Life will be much easier if we try. AND, lastly, if you have true, debilitating, life-hindering phobias (not goofy fears like I call my phobias), don’t feel bad about it or embarrassed at all! They are real. I get it and I care deeply. You talk to your doc too. There are all sorts of therapies that can help. Psychology/psychiatry have advanced light years beyond what it was when I was a young, bee-fearing kid. Talk to NAMI too. They are amazing! There is help available for the asking. However, we do have to ask.
#EndALZ
Update: Nothing new to report today. I will video chat with mom tomorrow. She is still holding on ok these days. I miss seeing her and watching Andy Griffith, but the legit fear of unleashing COVID-19 in her nursing home has me comfortable, if sad, while I wait knowing we are doing the right thing. Knowledge is power and has a way of taking the edge off of the guilt of not being able to go.
Final note: Neither I nor mom fear death. I fear what causes death. I fear pain. I am not thrilled with the process…but I don’t fear it. Heaven awaits…a place with none of this junk. Somehow, even death itself…and murder hornets will have no sting in paradise.
Final Link: Here is the entire KSMU series I was fortunate to be a part of:
https://www.ksmu.org/programs/sense-community#stream/0
These are some great folks to work with! 🙂
OK…this REALLY is the end. Here are a couple of relevant bugs that reminded my daughter of our conversation. Take a look:
https://www.fs.fed.us/wildflowers/pollinators/pollinator-of-the-month/bee_flies.shtml
https://www.fs.fed.us/wildflowers/pollinators/pollinator-of-the-month/hummingbird_moth.shtml
Mark . . . thank you for the way you bring new perspective on things . . . the “mighty Mark mark” on the world. 🙂
Thank you for enjoying my odd little quirks. 🙂