Posted 11/10/21 (aka 11+10=21…I really dig numbers…)
“For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”- Luke 11:10
Happy Wednesday to all! 🙂 Another day in paradise, eh?
I was just thinking about another endearing thing about mom yesterday and today. We had a Liquidambar Styraciflua tree in our front yard for 10 years in my kids’ early years. If you are not aware of the Latin here (I had to Google it so that I culd look sooper smahrt fer yoo), the plain name for a Liquidambar Styraciflua is a Sweetgum tree…or just sweetgum/sweetgum ball dispenser.
This is what they looked like
These are similar to what she used to make with them… These are actually made up to look like Soot Sprites in an Etsy shop
Mom, while kid-sitting for us, would take the kids outside and collect these little spiky monsters. If you have not experienced them, they are pretty hard after falling from the tree and turning brown, and they will poke the dickens out of your feet. While she would dispose of many of them, mom would always take some time to enjoy them somehow with the kiddoes, most notably by making some form of craft with them. A person can learn a few things about dementia and life from this tree and her example:
- Stages of life vary…some are pretty and others hurt– Sweetgums are very pretty trees, especially in the fall. Their leaves “generally turn brilliant yellow, orange, red, and purple colors”. Their live gumballs are green and puffy and, if looked at closely, kind of look like little Christmas trees. They do shed their fruit, though, and fall to the ground where they turn into the spiky, foot-mines people typically hate. Usually, at first frost, the splendor of the leaves turns ugly. Such as dementia on the surface if all we do is dwell on what is gone instead of what remains. Keep looking for the good, friends. Babies are super cute to the eye. A person at end-stage dementia can, on the surface, look rough. Yet in all stages they are the same person.
- Dealing with issues quickly and directly is usually the better plan– My mom and stepdad used to chastise me for not picking the spiky balls of doom quicker than I did. They, being retired, had such a luxury and I couldn’t coax the kids into risking a good poking…so they typically sat around on the ground until I mowed. The first time I mowed them, I was unaware that they just became a spiked projectile and I sprayed them all over. I am glad someone didn’t lose an eye! And, while we are talking here…when you see some warning signs of dementia, don’t wait around and get poked…deal with the situation at hand. Talk to your doctor. Early detection opens many, many doors and protects many around you from the flying spiky balls of uncertainty.
- Looking closer is sometimes in order– I found this super cute post about sweetgum balls: LINK The writer mentioned: “Looking closely, I see in each gum ball a nest of baby birds with mouths wide open, waiting for food. In fact, the tiny winged seeds of sweetgum provide food for goldfinches, chickadees, quail and numerous other birds.” Beautiful…and something that totally escaped me, as are many, many beautiful things in nature that are given to us as gifts by our Creator. The ugly just jumps out so much that we too easily let it outshine the beautiful. Whether a sweetgum ball or your loved one with dementia, look only for the good/beautiful/joyful. You don’t NEED to go looking for the bad, it will be obvious enough as it is. Focus on what is there and enjoy it for its own merits. Is it easy or even natural? Nope…but it honors your loved one and your Creator and is well worth the effort.
- Just like most things in nature, there is a purpose for sweetgum balls– In addition to their living value in making more trees, sweetgum balls drop to the ground and serve a couple of useful purposes: they are a natural mulch and they keep some creatures from climbing them. I think the minefield they produce gives an interesting competitive advantage over other trees and makes them even cooler. (Some think of this as an unfair tree…if that is possible…or an invasive one). You can rake up the balls and use them to mulch around other plants too to keep squirrels and other ground-dwellers, who prefer to find easier, low-hanging fruit elsewhere, at bay. So what is the purpose of dementia? Well…the purpose is, for now at least, to end the life of the carrier. Interestingly, part of what could potentially cause the harm of the disease is our body’s normally healthy response to issues within our body harming good cells too as they fight the bad…the Beta Amyloid plaque and Tau tangles. Why bad things happen is a challenge to discuss because it is painful and easily misunderstood. See below (***) for a full explanation for death itself, if you like. Just know that somehow something good that can and will come from the bad. You will grow as a person through the caregiving. You will have opportunities to tell your loved one things that someone suddenly lost won’t have. You can strengthen friendships and family relationships while relying on each other. There is good among the bad, and that just might have to be the closest thing to a purpose (that only somewhat satisfies us) until we reach heaven someday.
- Sadly, some of the same goldfinches, purple finches, squirrels, and chipmunks that eat the seeds of the tree later are detrerred by the end-stage– As mentioned earlier and in the article I cited, the same wildlife that loved the tree at first hate what it becomes. Sadly, be aware that some of your loved ones will not visit someone with dementia. They either can not or will not. It is hard. It is MUCH easier to just remember wheat they were like before. I get it. I would never MAKE someone visit. That (not visiting) is how I was with my grandma for the most part when she had dementia and my other grandma when she had a massive stroke. However, do lovingly keep encouraging them to come. Fight off anger and offer grace instead. Make it as easy as you can…choose a time that is easier…rake up some sweetgum balls if you will…and help them see that, while it is hard, it is also very worth it.
- Sometimes all that is needed is a fresh set of eyes– Mom is a wonderful crafter and my kids LOVED doing crafts with her. She would slap some googly eyes on a sweetgum ball and make it into a little Q*Bert or a Soot Sprite, and she built irreplacable memories in the process. Funny what a fresh set of eyes can do. In caregiving, keep a fresh set of eyes too. Get help. Share jobs. Stay fresh. Take care of yourself so that you can best take care of your loved one. When times get hard, too, see a fresh set of eyes for yourself. Search for the good. Change the atmosphere. Redirect. Play some music. Dream of heaven for you and for your loved one…and inhale/exhale a few times…then get back at it. You got this.
Mom was quite a lady and is still quite an amazing lady today, just different. I wish you could have known her then and I wish you could now. Talkin’ about making lemonade out of beets, mom could turn these rascals into something quite fun…and we were all better for it.
#EndALZ
Update: Had a great visit Tuesday. She was more alert than normal and even tried to communicate now and then…always a blessing. We “understood”.
***Allow me to offer the historical, Protestant explanation and offer an illustration, knowing that you may disagree and/or get a bit mad if you don’t understand fully:
All death is caused as a result of sin. This sin started in the book of Genesis in the Garden of Eden when our representative head Adam and his wife Eve first broke the only stated rule before them and ate the forbidden fruit. They, being our lineage, passed on this propensity and desire to sin to every generation that followed. Their sin, in a way, changed everything. We can no longer NOT sin. We sin because we are sinners, we aren’t sinners because we sin. This is a distinction with a difference. (Note: We can do fine for a while..or even a long time, but we all sin.) When Adam and Eve sinned, they did so at the prompting of the snake that told them that, despite the contrary warning from God, they wouldn’t die from eating this fruit…but instead would be more like God/a God themselves. Spoilers: God was right, the snake was (knowingly) wrong…and death entered the world. They would indeed die later as would everyone after them. Nobody is gettin’ out of here alive! Of note: One of the first things that happened after this first sin is they discovered their own nakedness…and discovered shame in the process. They fashioned some skivvies out of leaves, but God insisted that it would not do…and killed an animal to use the hide for clothing. You see, death was required. Death is still required as a punishment for sin. Enter Jesus that Christmas morning. He lived a perfect life, never sinning. Better yet, He was born of a virgin such that the sin that would be passed on from before wouldn’t be to Him. Then, when He died that Easter day a little over 30 years later, He did so as a perfect and suitable substitute for anyone who would believe. His death=their penalty. His life=their gain. Amazing!
To me, the hardest thing to get my brain wrapped around is “why is death required for any sin…seems very extreme?” This illustration helped me:
If a bug is walking across the floor and you smash it, what should your punishment be? Well, nothing! It was a yucky bug.
If a person shoots your cat, what should their punishment be? (Be nice, cat haters…). Frankly, they could get a fine or possibly probation?
If a person shoots a panhandler, what should his punishment be? Sadly, he would probably only get 5-10 years max…unless it was proven to be agregious/a hate crime/a multiple time offense.
If a person shot the president, what would their punishment be? At the least, life in prison, but a death penalty is likely an option as well.
What was the difference? I mean, we killed something/someone. It isn’t only how severe the sin is…there is more. The difference was against whom the crime…the sin… was done. When you consider that, the only thing left to consider is why it wasn’t immediate and worse. Then consider that God Himself created us and gives us a life of great things…and tells us not to sin…and spells it out what that means. We, then, spend our lives spitting on Him by disobeying. We shake our fists when times are hard and we fail to thank Him for a million million million good things. Every breath we take is a gift without which we would drop dead as Caesar. He has the right to set the rules and the punishments… BUT, for His glory and our benefit, He saved those who would turn from sin and trust in Him. Died on the cross and was raised again as victor and as a punishment taker for His own. Amazing love and grace!
Does everyone deserve a terrible death? Yup. We broke the laws. All of us. Why do some get by with it “easy” and some great and wonderful folks get this short straw? No clue…but the bigger question is why we all don’t. We’ll have to wait to fully understand and it is beyond our pay grade to try.
This is Christianity 101. It may or may not be taught in your church that way, but it is a Cliff’s Notes overview of our faith. Feel free to reach out if you disagree and/or have questions. Comment or message me any time.
You sound like a good Baptist! Good explanation!
Guilty, in an old-school sense of the word. 🙂