Cut Yourself Some S.L.A.C.K.

Posted 11-7-19

I had a great visit with mom yesterday. She was in good spirits and was even a bit more verbal than normal. We visited a while, watched some Andy Griffith, laughed some, then I had to go. She squeezed my hand and tried to get me to stay a little harder than normal. Just a quick search of the Digital Cornbread archives and you will see that I often mention guilt in caregiving. I do so because it is so real, and it reared its ugly head again yesterday. Mom wouldn’t make me feel guilty on purpose, especially in her current life situation, so how do I handle this guilt? How can I cut myself some slack in the negative self-talk realm? Hmmm….sounds like a topic to me. 🙁

S in SLACK stands for Summarize. Summarize the situation in your mind. I think the following: “Mom is struggling with a disease that will eventually take her life. My job in caring for her is NOT preventing her from dying. That is far beyond my pay scale. Our family did the best we could while we had her at home. We made good decisions and bad ones, but we tried. My job now is to see that she has the best care she can have by men and women who are trained to attend to her health. My job is to spend time with her when I can and make those chances count to keep her happy and healthy where I can. If I see something that needs attention, I address it. My job is to do my best. Beyond that, I am setting expectations that are impossible to achieve.”

L in SLACK stands for Leaving. Leaving is a trigger point, if you want to call it that. Leaving is and will always be hard because we hate to see our loved one in this condition. We gobble up every morsel of time we can with our loved one. However, it will not make a huge difference if we stay two hours compared to three hours. This is especially the case now where mom has no sense of time and date as best we can tell. Here is a better way to self-talk instead of beating myself up: “We had a great visit! I loved on mom and helped her have a nice time. I told mom and my stepdad and siblings when I will be back. I will do my best to keep that visiting time. I have to stay healthy physically, mentally, spiritually and otherwise or I will not be able to visit. I will be back soon.”

A in SLACK stands for an Always List. A successful visit’s end, for me, always includes a few elements: I always try leave on a high note. Sometimes, especially in mid-stage dementia, there may not be easy ways to leave with all smiles and hugs, but we can always leave telling our loved ones we love them and we will be back soon. I always try to always make eye contact (to be sure she is engaged) and I always tell mom “I love you momma! You are super special to me! I will be back soon.” If I can accomplish these things, I always feel better about leaving and the negative self-talk fades away.

C in SLACK stands for Crying. Crying is OK. Bottling up feelings is not fine. Cry as you drive home (or in the parking lot) because the situation stinks…then go back and summarize the situation again and forgive yourself for leaving. Leaving is hard. The situation is hard. Don’t lie to yourself and tell yourself it is a unicorn and rainbow party. Then summarize, forgive and resume life.

K in Slack stands for King (Jesus). I am a Christian. When I feel guilty for anything, I first ask myself if I may have made a mistake and ask for forgiveness. As a forgiven believer, while we still make many, many mistakes (and sometimes completely mess things up and blatantly sin), we are forgiven. We are NOT guilty any longer. Our sin, that often makes us feel guilty, is forgiven….nailed to the cross through our King. Our guilt placed on Him and His perfect life placed on us in exchange. (How awesome is that deal??) Often, in caregiving, despite how it seems, we aren’t feeling guilty for leaving because we have failed, we are feeling guilty because we are sad. Cast your cares on your King, knowing that He cares about you and your loved one and that He, too, weeps. Someday, when we enter heaven, we will finally be made whole and will live forever without this mess of a disease.

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Thank you for indulging me on this topic. These things have helped me cut myself some slack the last few years. I wish I could say that it cured me of feeling guilty all the time, but it is not foolproof/meproof. I would welcome your input of other ideas. Put them in the comments below. 🙂

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Note on self-talk: I don’t carry on conversations with myself as such. Self-talk relates to that inner voice we use to beat ourselves up sometimes. We all have work to be done on this.

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Last note: If you are annoyed or offended by my K suggestion above, I am truly sorry. I get it that not everyone believes like I do. I was there once…I remember it well. I am in no way better than you are if you do not believe. However, today, without my King, the rest of my acronym wouldn’t have fixed my heart’s hurt in this mess. If I would have left Him out, I feel like I would have been being incomplete with you. You do you and I will do me and we can all just love each other here at the table. My goal is to help us both and that is what has helped me. 🙂 Thank you for reading and considering what I say and for hearing my heart.

#EndALZ