Posted 10/10/23
“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” -John 15:13
I like theme songs. I just do. I Love’m! In fact, I struggle to like and especially binge a show with a mediocre theme song. I admit it, they are some of my favorite tunes in the jukebox of my brain, fighting for space with baseball statistics and odd knowledge. Here is one example of several that I have written about such: https://digitalcornbread.com/mom-the-advocate-for-the-underdog/
Among my favorites:
- The Jeffersons
- Gilligan’s Island
- Pinky and the Brain
- Sanford and Sons
- The Dukes of Hazzard
- Invader Zim
- The Rockford Files
- The Six Million Dollar Man
- and of course, Monk (who deserves his own article here.)
What are your favorites?
One theme song that particularly brings me joy and, in a weird way, comfort/reflection, is the Friends theme song by The Rembrandts. Here it is:
https://youtu.be/s2TyVQGoCYo?si=Q-RZ0HGj9I5hdFIi (LINK)
I want to share with you today a few grains of digital cornbread from this song that I hope can help you with dementia caregiving. This is a little bit of a downer on what seems like a happy song, but it speaks volumes…
Here are the lyrics in red for your consideration (Thank you Lyrics on Demand) :
So no one told you life was going to be this way.
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, you’re love life’s DOA.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
Boy howdy, does this describe the pit to which it seems we fall in dementia caregiving, or what?!?!
No one told you life was going to be this way–
I know dozens of wonderful folks, including my mom, who entered their 60s with high hopes. I used to think when I was in my teens “Wow…I can’t imagine being in my 60’s!!! Dang that is old!” Now that I am 52, I don’t think like that any more at all. Some of the most amazing, strong, and, frankly, brilliant people I know are in this decade of life. Heck, I remember telling my siblings when mom turned 40 (!!) “We really need to spend more time withy mom while we still have her!”…and I meant it. BUT, dementia does call, far too often. Mom and my stepdad John entered their 60s as the best babysitters around as well as campers, gardeners, explorers, and the like. They had dreams…lots of them…and none of them included dementia.
Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, you’re love life’s DOA-
I am blessed beyond measure to work for SeniorAge who is flexible with caregiving and oh, so kind in their help. MANY are not blessed with such and, for every one as good as SeniorAge I hear of 100 that would sooner let go an otherwise solid employee during the logistical challenges of caregiving. Then comes the spiral of losing a job and not having time to find a new job. The start of this spiral is made worse by behavior issues with their loved one making it harder and harder to leave them alone.
Oh, and Love Life? Good luck with that. It is DOA or filled with sharks.
It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear,
Second gear, in a car, chugs when you go too fast and is strained when you are too slow. It wants to stay the same or nearly the same speed. You have a small range, but anything else causes issues. Sound familiar, caregiver? LOL
When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, or even your year.
Indeed. If it would work for the song, it could just as easily be “When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month, your year, or even your decade? but the rhyme is ruined. BTW…according to the Alzheimer’s Association “On average, a person with Alzheimer’s lives four to eight years after diagnosis, but can live as long as 20 years, depending on other factors.”
Chorus:
But, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.
The word but is the hinge on which this door swings. There are several interpretive options in view here. 😉 The Lord is with you and, to the believer, is a fortress…a safe harbor…the ultimate umbrella in the rain of this season in our life. Draw near to Him. In addition, we must do what we can to both build a care team who will be with us and, later perhaps, BE part of a care team for others. Don’t “waste” the experience learned from this disease. It is more valuable than you will ever know and people need your experience more than all of the world’s Lotto-sized riches. Millions are deer in the headlights, waiting for the old Ford truck to run over them, not able to grasp the danger of the oncoming dementia headlights. Be the but, not the butt. 😉
You’re still in bed at ten, the work began at eight.
Sundowning much? Even if not, how is your sleep, friend? I don’t mean to make you nervous, but your ability to stay a good and healthy caregiver depends on it. I know many caregivers who have DIED before their loved one before them because they didn’t take care of themselves…and sleep is part of that!
You’ve burned your breakfast, so far, things are going great.
Nice start to the day. Cooking while caregiving can be a nice break until it isn’t. OR, perhaps your loved one is still trying to cook and struggling. How many house fires are caused by well-meaning loved ones or distracted caregivers? A bunch.
Your mother warned you there’d be days like these,
If she did, would you have not fallen in love? Would you have chosen a different parent to be born by? Would you have not cared for your loved one? Even the thought is a guilt-ridden thought that we all have thought of if we were honest. Even wishing their pain would end brings an ornate fountain of guilt that hits hard….
But she didn’t tell you when the world has brought you down to your knees.
It is tiring. Full-time, part-time, distance…we are all warn out to our knees sometimes. I am humbled by you, full-time caregiver. I do a drop in your swimming pool for my mom…and I am down on my knees far too much.
Chorus:
That, I’ll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.
I’ll be there for you, like I’ve been there before.
I’ll be there for you, cause you’re there for me too.
No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.
My mom, whom this disease has savaged for 14 years, was my primary encourager. My dad is better at relating to me in many ways, at needed wisdom, and many other things as well…but mom is/was my Barnabas. When times have been hard, whether my fault or not, mom had the right words. She knew when to talk and knew when to listen. I miss that more than you know.
Seems like you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be me.
You alone feeling is normal, it makes sense, and it is valid. Knowing that doesn’t fix it, but know that it is true.
Friends, you are not alone in this situation even though it feels like it more often than not. Cling to others in the same boat. Turn your eyes heavenward. Ask for help and receive it when offered, whether perfect help or otherwise. We are a big, dysfunctional sometimes family. We need to be there for each other.
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,
Someone I’ll always laugh with, even at my worst, I’m best with you.
Lumped together, this says a lot about the challenges of having a close loved one struggle with this stupid disease. The one who is just the person you need to help you know what to do is the one struggling. Terrible…
Will you join me in being the one who will be there for them? The rain not only has started to pour…there are floods aplenty. You do NOT have to do everything….but anything you can do will be appreciated. There are 120,000 people in Missouri and millions in the US needing a life boat, even if just for a quick break from the relentless swimming. We all need friends, and nothing says friend like helping when there is a need and expecting nothing in return.
#EndALZ
Update:
Mom is about the same. Her eyes are still struggling to stay moist and it makes her grimace too often. We have standing orders to keep the drops coming. No seizures lately, wheezing to a minimum. She still encouraged me, even yesterday, when I played some music from my phone and her arms became less tense. I’ll be there for you mom…
Lyrics’ source: https://www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/friendslyrics.html
