Posted 10/17/23
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.-Prov 16:32
When you spend as much time in the world of dementia care and the like as I do, you become so immersed that it becomes a part of many parts of life that are unexpected. Music, as you know if you have spent any time in my articles, is clearly one of these things. While I do greatly prefer the lyrics of Christian music, especially the old hymns, I do like 80s music from my teen years as well. This video was pretty typical of the period and seemed indifferent to the poor lady’s plight, but there are still some things that can be gleaned despite this insensitivity, some 30ish years later, regarding dementia. I acknowledge that this is an unusual one and that I am a bit of an odd duck, but I Yam what I Yam.
The title of one this gem from 1984:
“Don’t Answer Me” by the Alan Parson’s Project You have to watch the video to understand the rest of this piece:
Explanation of this video:
Wikipedia (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Don%27t_Answer_Me#Music_video) fills in the blanks of what the video was about in a Cliff’s Notes format here:
“The video is presented as a story in the fictional comic book series, The Adventures of Nick and Sugar, set in 1930s Florida. The story starts at the Flamingo Bar, where Sugar is on a date with the thuggish “Muscles” Malone. Sugar was once Nick’s girl, and Nick drinks heavily (emptying a bottle of Johnnie Walker Red) as he watches Malone manhandle Sugar. After finishing the bottle, Nick leaves the bar and drives to the Burgers’N’Shakes drive-in, passing a billboard with the Ammonia Avenue album cover displayed. While admitting his heartbreak to Leslie, the carhop, a black sedan carrying Malone and Sugar pulls up next to Nick’s convertible. When Sugar resists Malone’s demand for a kiss, Malone moves to slap Sugar. An enraged Nick pulls Malone from his car and starts brawling with the much-larger thug. Malone appears to have beaten Nick, but Nick summons one last powerful uppercut and knocks Malone clear off the planet, sending him into the left eye of the Man in the Moon. Nick and Sugar embrace, deeply in love; as they embrace, the view quickly cuts to a still picture drawing of the band featuring Woolfson and Parsons at keyboards, dressed in 1930s cocktail lounge outfits, performing the song. Nick and Sugar drive away together, with Nick pausing to wipe Malone out of the Man in the Moon’s eye with his handkerchief.”
Note the characters in this drama: Nick Sugar is played by you and by me as we scrap and fight for a cure. Muscles Malone is this stinkin’ disease. He is formidable indeed! Sugar is played by those suffering and their caregivers… She matters much more than this video portrays.
Off we go:
If you believe in the power of magic
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone
Turn and look behind
OK, so not everything shoehorns nicely into dementia care. This stanza does remind me to remind you to believe in yourself and what can be known (i.e the faithfulness of God, even in hardship) And “And if you need to believe in someone, Turn and look behind” can help to that end as you look back of all of the millions of times God has been faithful in your and your loved one’s lives.
When we were living in a dream world
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away
This reminds me of the dozens of great examples, including my mom, of living life and planning for some great retirement years only to have the plans dashed by a decade of caregiving and calendar shredding. Don’t give up and throw it all away, friends! While there are clouds, sometimes…every time, there is joy to be found if we patiently look.
Don’t answer me
Don’t break the silence, don’t let me win
Don’t answer me
Stay on your island, don’t let me in
Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we’ve said and done?
This line is partially kind of the opposite of our world. “Don’t break the silence, don’t let me win” We need to break the silence of the plight of these patients and their caregivers before Muscles Malone (the thug in the video) wins. We can’t force them to “stay on their island” to “run away from everyone”, which is the standard procedure for those suffering. They hide out of fear of looking foolish, having their loved one wander away, or worse… It is just easier to hide….and, friends, this simply should not be so.
If you believe in the power of magic
It’s all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone
Just pretend it’s me
This line doesn’t squeeze in nicely, but I should mention the word “pretend”. We all need heroes we can believe in. I think one of the hardest things about living in the US these days is the lack of apparent heroes that are safe places to anchor. Just when the secular world provides us an example of someone we can “believe in”, the person fails ethically or otherwise. Even pastors are not someone to “believe in”, if you will, as they are fallible. 1 Cor 2:1-5 says “And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power.” The Lord is the only anchor. Even the most amazing scientists in the world were in diapers a few short decades ago, dependent on parents for everything. All of this being said, we are called to love and to serve, and to some…many…this may be helping care for these folks by standing up against Muscles Malone or by helping hold the coat of Nick while he does it.
It ain’t enough that we meet as strangers
I can’t set you free
So will you turn your back forever
On what you mean to me?
This speaks to the devastation, loss, and pre-grief of losing someone who is not yet gone. PLEASE remember that it is the disease, not the person, causing the back turning. Meeting as strangers instead of mother/son or husband/wife is caused by the disease. We can remember for them…and sometimes that is all that is left. Focus on what is still there rather than what is gone with everything you have. It is hard. It seems impossible. But some sweet day, when we knock Muscles Malone to the moon, we can end this fight…
(Chorus repeats)
Can you change the things we’ve said and done?
Uggh. This one was hard for me. My Grandma Applegate died a couple of decades ago when I was a late teen. I loved her a bunch. A massive stroke followed by many small ones was her Muscles Malone, and none of us could knock Muscles to the moon. But my regret, that lives rent free in my brain even today as I type, is that I couldn’t “change the things I’ve said and done” with her before her stroke. I was a brat back then and can remember every unloving thing I ever said. Same with my memories of Grandma on mom’s side who had dementia. Same with mom early on. We cannot change the things we have said and done. We need to tell them we are sorry now, when the skies are blue, rather than regretting once the storms come. One small silver lining, though, with mom is she cannot remember that stuff now anyway. 🙁
(Chorus)
(Chorus again)
Don’t answer me
Don’t answer me
Don’t answer me
Source: Musixmatch
Meanwhile, as I type, my mom may not answer me outwardly, but I still sense her love every time I visit. Don’t give up, friends! We’ll beat Muscles Malone yet. Even if it proves too late, in the process of the fight, millions will have a better life, hopefully void of regret and full of jabs of joy.
#EndALZ
Update: Mom has had a good week. She is more alert than normal and the wheezing has been minimal. I will see her again today 😊
