Posted Halloween 2023
This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Ps 118:24
One of the most challenging things, to me, is something I have talked about here many times: tempering expectations correctly. I preach and preach about finding joy among the sadness, and I completely believe it is not only possible, but life-giving to the caregiver. However, how does one not go off the deep end and get too optimistic? Case in point: Mom said Hi the other day. While this may not sound exciting to most of us, for me who has not heard her say a real word in…uhhh, I dunno…2-3 years, it was special. Very special.
OK, so how do we internalize this special moment into a little seed of joy and keep ahold of it without planting it and having it grow in our minds into the ugly plant of exceeding expectations? I am asking you…I don’t know.
Here is how it plays out for me: She does something wonderful :Hi, a smile, even connecting eyes with me. My response is thinking “She is getting better”. The other side of my brain, the realistic side that watches documentaries on TV instead of Rom Coms, says “She isn’t getting better…stop that! Get real a bit.” Then the former side of the brain feels guilty and says “She is trying!”…then both sides sit, with arms crossed looking down, sad.
How do we both just block out the good and rejoice in it?
It is not unlike the cycle of guilt and pre-mourning we fall into. Sad that you have lost someone that is still there…then feel guilty.
MY thoughts…and I am open to correction, as always:
- These are normal thoughts
- This is hard stuff. It isn’t Adulting 101…we are in the 700-level grad classes of Adulting.
- Give yourself grace
- Redirect yourself just like you do them sometimes in early- to mid-stage
- The macho man in me says “Double down and study the disease more. Do more. Fix it.
- The side of me that Netflix-binged Virgin River (pretty much 50 episodes of Hallmark movies bundled into a really pretty series) with my wife far too quickly says “Embrace the emotion, soaking up the joy and letting go of the sadness however helps”.
I don’t want to leave you here in a puddle of despair…we MUST be happy when we see good. When we see joy among tears. That is part of the Christian experience and is what keeps us sane. So I do embrace it and love her a bunch, whether she says Hi, word salad, or nothing…all the same.
Your thoughts? 🙂
#EndALZ
I seem to wrestle with this kind of thing a lot. 🙁
Here are some similar examples: LINK and sort of this: LINK and LINK Lots of other options. I am not a therapist nor a son of a therapist. I could undoubtedly use one though. 🙂
